Rejection……..

This post is for YOU—-no matter if you are feeling that you aren’t good enough for your boss at work, feeling like the best parent in the world, feeling like a terrible friend, or even just letting the guilt of the world get the best of you!

Rejection is something that each one of us has felt one time or another. Honestly it’s a hard thing to grasp at times. Failure isn’t something we like to admit or let alone talk about.  Unfortunately rejection isn’t something anyone can avoid.  

A little over one year ago today I had one of the biggest rejections I have ever experienced. I was so confident I was getting a job that I thought for sure it was God’s Plan and timing, but plot twist, boy was I wrong. That time was such a difficult time. Quartinine just began and our fertility journey was put on hold. This rejection felt like a pot of boiling water that was right on the verge of boiling right over the top. I felt so defeated but I knew that God was keeping right where he needed me. Over the past year I have grown in my faith and looking back I am amazed how hard that time was, but yet God wasn’t done showing me the way (and maybe he never will be done showing me.) 

John 15:18

If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first 

This weekend was such an amazing reminder of this. Jesus saved us from all of our rejection by dying on the CROSS. This keeps me going year after year. If God sacrificed his son for us then we owe him everything! So sharing my story is one little thing that I can do to show others how important they to our HEAVENLY FATHER.

And…..

NOW—-another bump in our journey (lately it feels like a mountain) we were able to go through another transfer over the past few months and it wasn’t successful like we desperately believed it would be. Our doctor was so defeated, she was so sure this time was it and the entire cycle was perfect. Not one ounce of fluid this time, not one complication and this has never  EVER happened in the past two years. It felt like the last surgery was a success until that little embryo didn’t stick.  We felt so angry and so defeated at this point, but there was one more suggestion to try, another mock cycle to test my tissue for other issues while on the meds. If this testing cycle doesn’t show us much we have to weigh out our other options (and maybe find another surrogate.)  Just when we thought we were in the final stretch God said NOT YET and well honestly it was so infuriating! So here I sit typing out  our latest  hurdles when I was so sure it would be an announcement post.  I continue to share my story for the one who feels like no one else understands their battle BUT GIRL I totally get your pain!  I promise to be a listening ear and speak life into your struggle the best I know possible! I promise to be a friend that will surprise you with wine and chocolate while you process your sadness.  Don’t Give Up–GOD has got YOU!

Psalm 34:17-20

When his people pray for help, he listens and rescues them from their troubles. The Lord is there to rescue all who are discouraged and have given up hope. The Lord’s people may suffer a lot, but he will always bring them safely through. Not one of their bones will ever be broken. (CEV)

Buckets of Water…

I have some news! Even though it may not be the news we want to share but it is GOOD news!  We are cleared to start another Frozen Embryo Transfer this year! I had another robotic surgery back in December, almost exactly like I did last Valentine’s Day.  The last failed transfer cycle they discovered that I had more fluid in my right uterus that was going back and forth to my left uterus, which in my case they believed may have had to do with my failed cycle. They explained it to me that if that fluid is there it causes the embryo to not have anywhere to “stick”. We started to do another mock cycle back in August and that fluid was there again! The weird thing is that some cycles there is only fluid in the beginning, sometimes the middle, and other cycles it isn’t there at all. It felt like another hurdle to conquer.  My doctor was worried to try another transfer and that the fluid may reappear, so they suggested yet another surgery to try to fix the issue. I was so upset that I had to have another surgery. The last surgery recovery was so painful, and I wasn’t interested in doing that again. Again, I had to have faith that God would get me through it just like he kept doing over and over during this season.

This past 3 and ½ hour surgery was successful, they were able to repair more scar tissue from my C-Section, that they didn’t get from my last surgery. They also cut out a another scar at the bottom of my right side and restitched it so that the fluid couldn’t keep going back and forth. After my post-op appointment and ultrasound, it showed that I am back to my pre-pregnancy anatomy, SO I WAS CLEARED to be able to try again! I was so relieved that surgery worked, but right away I let doubt get in the way again! The weeks of waiting and waiting really get to me sometimes. Somedays it doesn’t seem to bother me and other days I feel like a grieving person. I really struggle those days that I see announcements or close friends share their news of joy. I felt like I handed “My Plans” over to God, but I still keep finding myself with them at my fingertips, not wanting to give up total control.

A few weeks ago, another close friend struggling with infertility shared her news, but this news just isn’t any regular infertility success story this is an AMAZING story of God’s work! Weirdly enough I just had gave her all of my left over retrieval meds because she was starting IVF and wouldn’t you know what happened! God blessed her by allowing her to conceive naturally. I wanted so badly to not be envious, but again I let the enemy in.  After talking to her and another good friend, I allowed their words to speak God’s love and promises into my heart!  I even remember telling Clint that it wasn’t fair and why isn’t God giving us our miracle story like that! And you know how he responded, he said we don’t know that Ellie wasn’t our miracle or that our miracle isn’t still coming. AND MAN that hit me! I pleaded with God to give me the strength and guidance, and since that day, he keeps reminding me it is okay to feel down so he can lift me up!

One of the most rewarding things is having close friends to lean on and speak God’s promises into my forest fire. (or so it feels like somedays)

They are “buckets of water to my forest fire.”

James 4:7-10 –below stuck out to me this week to bring it ALL my FIRE to God.

7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

S I X

P.S. this is a long one!

Our girl is     S I X      years old today! How is that even possible? It wasn’t much before that, when I got the news that I may never be a mother and thank goodness God had other plans for our lives. She is our whole world in which we never knew we really needed!

Six years ago we were just introducing her to our family! Little did some of you know she was Baby Girl Myers for the first twenty or so hours of her life. Clint and I couldn’t decide so we had our closest family and friends decide when they came to meet her! It was such a fun experience!  This morning I told Ellie her birth story for the first time! She is so amused by how babies get in your belly! We have always taught her that God puts the babies in there and she just went along with it!   If you have been following my previous posts, you know that Ellie was a miracle to begin with but her birth was a similar situation!  You see she came quickly—very quickly two weeks early. Everything happened so fast I can’t remember a lot of it! I had terrible bowel cramps all day—so I thought!  We went to dinner with dear friends of ours at her now FAVORITE YELLOW Mexican Place the night she was born. I went to bed and as soon as I laid down I heard a gush of water and thought what was that???  Clint’s comment was you just peed… I stood up and more gushed out and he said “that ain’t pee” or something like that!  From that moment of time (9:30 PM) went so slow but fast in the same sense. I was freaking out so I called my sister -in- law (thanks for always answering my medial questions) she calmed my fears. Then the doctor they told me to shower take my time don’t rush since I wasn’t feeling any contractions, well so much as I knew! We left our house around 10 and as soon we got a few miles down the road I felt a pinch in my back and thought that was weird not having a clue what contractions felt like—Mind you I didn’t take any classes because I thought I was going in the next week, ONE week early for my SCHEDULED C-Section, but Ellie girl had other plans for us!   We got to Lima and they were much stronger. We got across town to the hospital and I was having painful ones closer together then. Once we got to the room they started to grow stronger to the point I wasn’t able to talk—THANKS to back labor! Ellie was breech  so that wasn’t helping matters! We got prepared which felt like forever, the nurses were so grumpy so I thought but they were freaking out because I was ready to push but obviously couldn’t! The doctor on call was in another emergency C-Section so things were a bit hectic around there!  I finally got my epidural/spinal whatever happened (that part was a total blur) and then went into the operating room! The medicine gave me the worst headache all I can remember was Clint rubbing my head and a lot of pulling on my stomach. At 1:50 am our beautiful  6 lb. 13 oz. girl with a full head of hair was born! I remember touching her hair and then they knocked me out because I felt funny!

Looking back at the last couple of weeks as another birthday approached, I kept remembering how I felt and how upset I was every year that again celebrating her birthday didn’t include siblings but honestly this year is the first year that I am not sad and am not planning it on my own timeline—on GOD’s instead. I am not telling myself on this # of birthday she will finally be a BIG SISTER. Yes, it stills hurts and I want to grant that wish for her but now I have hope that whether a little sister or brother is ever in our cards we will be okay—I MEAN we have made it through one heck of a year(s). The struggle with secondary infertility has taught us more than one time that having ONE child is the best gift one can receive! Our girl has been the best blessing we could have ever imagined!  We thank God every day we get to be her parents!

Not much other news for now, but I will be sharing an update soon!

Much Love,

Camile

Foundations

In Luke 6:47-49 

Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like: he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built. But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great.”

What foundation are you currently standing on?

 I know that during this time of waiting I need a stronger foundation that I was standing on when it all started! God is always showing me his love through the little things. When we started the new foundation for our house addition my first thought was, I need to have a strong foundation in faith to get through this current season of life. I want to be strong but sometimes I allow the enemy to work his way into my thoughts and mind. Worship music is one of the simplest ways for me to feel connected to God’s Word. The days that I am lacking trust in God’s Word I can listen to a song and just feel him speaking into me.  People who really know me know that I struggle with the quiet and stillness of the world.  I struggle just sitting and listening to what God is speaking to me without any other noise.  One truth I can keep believing is that God doesn’t care if you’re in the deepest valley or the highest mountain during your current season of life, he only cares that you start right where you are!

When we started our infertility journey, I never would have imagined that we would feel so “stuck” years later. COVID threw another wrench into “Our Plans” during this season.  God still is showing me during this season that he is GOOD and that he already knows that is next. I still struggle daily with letting the enemy try to steal my joy of Ellie and what amazing light she is to our life! I’m so angry that I can’t give her a sibling that she desperately wishes for. Sometimes I allow that to anger dictate my day.

Our infertility journey feels at a standstill as we go into the holiday season I pray that anyone going through a hard journey feels God’s love and promises. I pray that you can use a foundation on his love to get you through it all.

One of the Good Ones

Sorry—it’s been a hot minute since I shared an update.  Sadly, there really isn’t any new news to share with our journey. 

The past few months have been crazy over here! We started our house addition, started Kindergarten, started school during this pandemic continued, scheduled another surgery, and started our possible genetic carrier journey.  Oh man is that a hefty price tag) Do you see a pattern here? We have started many things and again the enemy is allowing my fear to get the best of me. You see– I feel like every time we start something it seems to be more of a challenge than I ever could anticipate. Clint on the other hand is much more enthusiastic and can be hopeful in the challenges! He always has a dream and makes it happen. He doesn’t let the obstacles define him. I can remember early on in our dating relationship he dreamed of having a trucking company. I honestly didn’t want this-My family had a successful trucking business and I didn’t want the competition—but he didn’t see it that way, he saw it as a way to grow personally.  I didn’t think it could be worth it and here we are with hired drivers.  Clint had this dream to renovate an old house because he could get it so cheap! (if you know Clint, he is the king of CHEAP) Our house was a foreclosure —oh but what a tough journey that was!  Clint was doing electrical on the morning of our wedding!! Yikes!  He worked so hard during that time going to school at night and working 40+ hours a week!

Once again, he got me through the challenges of that project and here we are again adding on to repeat that mess!   Around last year he really wanted to focus on excavating and again I let fear and doubt that we could ever make it work full time!  He wanted to carry on his Dad’s passion he saw growing up as a child. Now, as I sit here I can’t but help but think of how hard he works to make us better!  His dreams always find purpose and I am so so thankful for that! His excavating dream has allowed more family time and flexibly!  It’s even allowed Ellie and I to get to “play in the excavator” at times!

Clint and I started dating in 2008. We have amazing parents who taught us to be better people and we never can truly repay that to them!   One thing that I truly never understood when we were only 16 years old (we are only 3 days apart) was that Clint was only allowed to see me three days a week! I mean how fair was that!?  I had to chase the enemy away when I could do the fair vs unfair. He even spoke truth to my mind way back then! I believe that God helped shape us during that time to be apart so we could be better together!

I can remember praying at a younger age that my future boyfriend/husband would wait till marriage.  And God truly showed up there—one of the first times hanging out Clint said well I AIN’T doing that till I get married. My heart almost exploded right then and there! That was so unheard of you see I only had ONE very close friend who shared that wish with me. That was so hard but another lesson where God saw us through another struggle.  

Clinton Dean—You are truly one of the GOOD ONES!

We love you so much more!

Thank you for being a role model for Ellie’s expectations of a good man!

IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY

Guys—It is OKAY to not be okay all of the time.  It really stinks to feel so crappy, but so does feeling like it isn’t okay to feel all the emotions!  This week has been quite the week!  First, my dad had open-heart surgery, one super difficult doctor appointment, kindergarten struggles, house addition challenges, and the list could go on and on. So many more decisions to consider and no real answers at this point. The church really got me today! One of the opener songs called When the Fight Calls by Hillsong really got me. As soon as the music started, I instantly knew I would lose it. It isn’t a new song, but it has been a song that has continued to get me through many struggles throughout the years while attending LifeHouse. As I stood there with tears rolling down my face, I knew it was my sign to continue to trust God through this fight we are facing.  My biggest struggle lately is the bitterness towards the process and others. I keep fighting it even though some days it seems impossible. The message today continued to speak truth into my life. Pastor Matt talked about Joseph’s story and how he trusted that God was with him through his struggles.  This story of hope was something that God knew I needed to hear today. Clint and I have been praying for a sign to help make our decision easier and that hasn’t been the case. My biggest prayer is that God would allow us to be content with our girl or to be at peace with where we are at right now.  I truly believe that God puts desires on our hearts for a reason and I whole heartedly know that God is strengthening Clint and I through this journey. I want to continue to share his love and truth with you all. He has got us this far and he will continue to be with us through this FIGHT!

These lyrics from When the Fight Calls— are so moving!

I won’t let the storm weather my heart

Won’t let the darkness beat me down

Sing in the night my hope alive in You

I’ll walk through the fire and not be burned

Pray in the fight and watch it turn

Jesus tonight I give it all to You

Don’t let the storm of life weather your heart!

Much Love,

Camile

Fair

The Van Wert County Fair will always hold a special place in my heart. I can still remember seeing Clint for the very first time he was leaning up against the sheep barn in a cut off shirt and hat.  A mutual friend said hey this is my friend Clint, he is going to walk around with us and that was the real beginning of us!   You see this memory was two years before we actually started dating but I know God designed Clint just for me! Another important couple in our lives met at the fair also—My parents met over 43 years ago at the fair!  You see this event may seem so silly to most, but the fair holds such a special place in my heart for so many ways other than just having met Clint there! The fair was important to my grandfather, who passed his love for fair with my father, then passed it to me & my brother and now my Ellie girl (and nieces and nephews.) The fair is such a fun time to get to see people you don’t always get to see, but it also is a time to share your love for hard work through many ways, my favorite was through 4-H. I thank 4-H for helping shape my love for children that God created in me! 4-H takes such dedication and fair allows for this work to be shared with others! This week is our county fair and it only seemed fitting to write about it! This year is very weird, but it has already been a blessing in disguise because it has allowed our families to slow down and enjoy the real reason for the fair! You see—we normally are running around like crazy during the fair that we don’t always find time to enjoy the moment God gives us during these times!   I am so thankful that God allowed my family to enjoy the fair for so many years! I have met so many lifelong friends during those years!  I have always used fair as a timeline for my life—especially through this journey! I remember thinking years ago, next fair I will be pregnant, then the following year I thought the very same thing and here we are three years later still trying to trust God through it all!

God tells us in Matthew 5:16 to let our light shine through

our good works.

I pray that God continues to allow my family to shine their light this way and I am so thankful that God planned these fair memories to shape me into a hard-working person!  

In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven. Matthew 5:16

How are you sharing your light with others while supporting our youth in the community?

Giving Up

Guys—right now don’t we all feel like giving up in some shape or form! I know I haven’t said much about this COVID stuff, but it has affected everyone in some way!  BACK to SCHOOL is so close for most of us and the stress levels are so high already! I pray that you find ways to let God’s Truth speak into all the extra stress that may be added to your normal stress!

With IVF giving up is always in the back of my mind but I hate to quit things. Our girl had her dance recital this past weekend and of course of all days I had to have my midcycle scan that same day!. I was so planned, I got everything packed the night before and even put it in my car so Clint couldn’t be blamed for forgetting something!  BUT—I was so rushed that day that part of her outfit got missed hanging up! Once we noticed a great friend (WHOM we are so thankful for in every way) rushed to our house to find it but it was too late!!!!!! I was so MAD! I felt like a failure because again trying to have another baby was taking precious moments from our girl! I was so worried that she would be upset but she wasn’t she instantly said “it is okay mommy, I wasn’t upset!” She got to dance and she didn’t have a care in the world that she was different! SUCH A HUGE LIFE LESSON—She teaches us so much! After being so upset–Clint really got me thinking—he said, “When do we know enough is enough.”  I was like WOW! I have been thinking about the next steps if IVF never works for us!  My doctor has mentioned a possible surrogate, but we aren’t totally ready to consider that just yet! Another option we could consider is adoption.  So many decisions and paths we could choose.  And Here We Go Again—- the enemy starts creeping in when it comes to decisions, instead of me trusting God to help us make that decision.  I am so thankful that God chose Clint for me and chose some really important friendships into our lives, they continue to speak wisdom into my thought process. I recently reached out to a distant family member who always was someone I looked up to as a child (I can still remember the details of the light blue dress I wore in her wedding.) She dealt with infertility and chose adoption, she said to me that they say IVF is physically and mentally exhausting while adoption is emotionally exhausting.  This meant to me that either way the exhaustion will hopefully be worth it one day!

In Jobs we can find hope in the path that God has chose for us—

But God understands the way to wisdom, he knows it location. For he looks to the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens” (Jobs 28:23-24)

You see we can stay stuck in the anger of it all or we can choose to trust that God is right here in the deep struggle with us!

As Always much much much love,

Camile

1,073 days

It’s been exactly 1,073 days of planning our second miracle.  I never would have imagined this would be part of our journey for our family. Back in 2012, exactly one month before our wedding I heard those devastating words of “You may never be able to carry a child” I had thought broke my dreams of ever being a mother. Fast forward to May 18, 2014 I had two unexpected pink lines staring at me! I couldn’t believe it! Thank goodness for my sister-in-law who reassured me everything would be okay until my first appointment.  The first blessing happened and I was in fact PREGNANT! I was considered high risk and had over SIX ultrasounds throughout my pregnancy. I had major anxiety I would do something wrong and cause more issues with my pregnancy. Through many scares and prayers my little miracle Ellie Marie was born at 38 weeks HEALTHY as could be! We were sure this was the end of our worries about having the FOUR children we desperately felt we deserved. BUT— God had other plans for us. The past three years have been incredibly painful while incredibly beautiful at the same time! God has shown us the way. This past year has been the most trying but my faith has grown by miles! Whether you are an exhausted mom or in this journey of waiting for your miracle —I see YOU. You need to know you are not alone in this pain!

I have been feeling God nudging at me to share my story with you all for a while now. I never was able to cast my fears aside. Most recently God has been speaking to me through the song The Father’s House by Cory Asbury. It always is able to calm my heart and comes on exactly when I need to hear it. The first part says

“Sometimes on this journey

I get lost in my mistakes

What looks to me like weakness

Is a canvas for Your strength

And my story isn’t over”

My story’s just begun”

Much love,

Camile

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