Giving Up

Guys—right now don’t we all feel like giving up in some shape or form! I know I haven’t said much about this COVID stuff, but it has affected everyone in some way!  BACK to SCHOOL is so close for most of us and the stress levels are so high already! I pray that you find ways to let God’s Truth speak into all the extra stress that may be added to your normal stress!

With IVF giving up is always in the back of my mind but I hate to quit things. Our girl had her dance recital this past weekend and of course of all days I had to have my midcycle scan that same day!. I was so planned, I got everything packed the night before and even put it in my car so Clint couldn’t be blamed for forgetting something!  BUT—I was so rushed that day that part of her outfit got missed hanging up! Once we noticed a great friend (WHOM we are so thankful for in every way) rushed to our house to find it but it was too late!!!!!! I was so MAD! I felt like a failure because again trying to have another baby was taking precious moments from our girl! I was so worried that she would be upset but she wasn’t she instantly said “it is okay mommy, I wasn’t upset!” She got to dance and she didn’t have a care in the world that she was different! SUCH A HUGE LIFE LESSON—She teaches us so much! After being so upset–Clint really got me thinking—he said, “When do we know enough is enough.”  I was like WOW! I have been thinking about the next steps if IVF never works for us!  My doctor has mentioned a possible surrogate, but we aren’t totally ready to consider that just yet! Another option we could consider is adoption.  So many decisions and paths we could choose.  And Here We Go Again—- the enemy starts creeping in when it comes to decisions, instead of me trusting God to help us make that decision.  I am so thankful that God chose Clint for me and chose some really important friendships into our lives, they continue to speak wisdom into my thought process. I recently reached out to a distant family member who always was someone I looked up to as a child (I can still remember the details of the light blue dress I wore in her wedding.) She dealt with infertility and chose adoption, she said to me that they say IVF is physically and mentally exhausting while adoption is emotionally exhausting.  This meant to me that either way the exhaustion will hopefully be worth it one day!

In Jobs we can find hope in the path that God has chose for us—

But God understands the way to wisdom, he knows it location. For he looks to the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens” (Jobs 28:23-24)

You see we can stay stuck in the anger of it all or we can choose to trust that God is right here in the deep struggle with us!

As Always much much much love,

Camile

Fairness Vs. Purposeful

This past month was one of our hardest so far. We got one step farther in this journey but that quickly changed. I was able to hold onto God’s truth through it, but I kept getting caught into the, but this is NOT FAIR! Guys– the enemy kept making me believe that I was alone and that one else has to go through this, when I know this is very much a LIE!

My daily devotionals all kept leading me into the truth of the purpose in this struggle. Most days I still kept feeling the lack of fairness during it all. I kept looking back at the things I couldn’t control and the things I felt I have missed out on. You see, I kept getting stuck on the things I’ve missed now for two summers with Ellie, Clint, family and friends.  I hate that I am wasting all this time and this summer feels like it has flown by. Perhaps I feel this way because of the extra time I did get with her during the crazy time, but it seems much more real because she is going to KINDERGARTEN this year!  Some truths that I have to hold onto are that I got extra slow mornings with my girl cuddling on the couch and due to COVID we had to take a few months off of doctor stuff to spend more time as a family.

Clint has really helped speak truth to me as well, he keeps telling me “You can’t look at it like that.” Clint has been my rock through all stages of our twelve years together, but this past last year he has been so supportive and my strength when sometimes I didn’t even know I need it!

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

Above in James 1:12 it speaks truth about the purpose of trial, and this is so relevant right now. We still have embryos to transfer, but we still know that my uterus may NEVER be able to carry another baby. That truth and uncertainty breaks my heart, but I know that the struggle will be worth it even if another baby is not in our story.  This journey so far has taught us so much already and I know God’s not done using us yet.

Much Love,

Camile

The Trap

Guys —this topic is a hard one for me! I have struggled with comparison and jealousy for as long as I can remember! One of the earliest memories I have with this is from first grade. I had an awesome friend who had this amazing pencil box that I wanted! Did I have a perfectly good pencil box—YES, but I wanted something someone else had. This is human nature in all parts of life, but during infertility, it makes this a million times harder.  I struggle with this every SINGLE day! It is so hard, but God has been showing me ways to deal with this! My church has been doing daily live devotionals and last week spoke to me. It was from 1 Samuel 18:7-9.

7 The women sang as they played, and said, “Saul has killed his thousands, and David his ten thousand.” Then Saul became very angry. This saying did not please him. He said, “They have given David honor for ten thousands, but for me only thousands. Now, what more can he have but to be king?” And Saul was jealous and did not trust David from that day on.

I want to be like David, but the enemy creeps in and makes me like Saul. Saul was jealous of David, even though Saul had so MUCH!  We all get caught in that trap, don’t we? We compare ourselves to others on a daily basis. It is so hard to not get caught up in what we can’t do, can’t have, or the things we want to have. My biggest struggle right now is the comparison to the families with multiple kids. I want to give Ellie a sibling so badly and I can get so stuck in that.  I know I shouldn’t feel jealous and compare but I do! Again, the enemy creeps into this and fuels that fire! I have to be careful of this because if I don’t pay close attention to this it will run my life! I feel trapped in that and I have to keep digging into God’s word to find ways to escape the trap of comparison and jealousy. One simple thing I do to help me is to think or list the positives of the things I DO HAVE!  I have all the things I really need, God’s love, a safe home, amazingly loving husband, my amazing little girl, supportive family, and friends.

How are you struggling with this today?

Much Love Today,

Camile

1 in 20,000

My entire life I felt had personal obstacles in my way, but haven’t we all felt that way? At the beginning of our journey we had one failed IUI and my doctor decided that with all of my issues that IVF would be the safest choice for me and my future baby. I was so scared to begin the process. I even felt anger that I God chose this path for me. But, because God has blessed me with not only one uterus and cervix but TWO OF EACH, IVF was the only way to keep me from having multiples. I know what you’re thinking it is crazy and so cool! I’m like 1 in 20,000!! So Clint and I were so scared that IVF would be too expensive and emotionally draining. We decided to trust God and take the door he had opened for us. My insurance amazingly covered IVF and we couldn’t believe it, it felt like another door had opened! We were able to do our first Egg Retrieval in June 2019 resulting in 9 eggs which became THREE healthy embryos! We felt so blessed that we had more than one try! We had one failed transfer so my doctor really wanted to do further testing to rule out any more issues! That test came back ineffective so we tried some other routes to make my transfers smoother and less painful for me! The first transfer took over an HOUR and most transfers only take TEN minutes! The second transfer I had anesthesia to help with comfort! But unfortunately God was strengthening me through yet another failure and struggle! Again it felt like we were back at square one! My doctor decided we should move forward with a second retrieval, before doing surgery later in the year. This retrieval resulted in 33 eggs and SEVEN healthy embryos! We were so fortunate to get to this point yet again! So on Valentine’s Day (of all daysJ) I had a three hour surgery and another test to check out some scar tissue from my C-section from Ellie. I had so much fear prior to the procedure, but God kept pushing me through and I so glad we did it because it made my procedures smoother and more comfortable. As the year continues to unfold I am challenged to you listen to God’s Word. Just like in 1 Samuel 17:40 God made sure David had exactly what he needed for the battle he would face. The story of David keeps popping up everywhere in my life in songs, my devotionals, podcast, online posts, and even Ellie’s bible stories. This for me means to continue to have strength while TRUSTING in HIS timing and HIS plan!

  Then he took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd’s bag and, with his sling in his hand, approached the Philistine (1 Samuel 17:40)

Much Love,

Camile

1,073 days

It’s been exactly 1,073 days of planning our second miracle.  I never would have imagined this would be part of our journey for our family. Back in 2012, exactly one month before our wedding I heard those devastating words of “You may never be able to carry a child” I had thought broke my dreams of ever being a mother. Fast forward to May 18, 2014 I had two unexpected pink lines staring at me! I couldn’t believe it! Thank goodness for my sister-in-law who reassured me everything would be okay until my first appointment.  The first blessing happened and I was in fact PREGNANT! I was considered high risk and had over SIX ultrasounds throughout my pregnancy. I had major anxiety I would do something wrong and cause more issues with my pregnancy. Through many scares and prayers my little miracle Ellie Marie was born at 38 weeks HEALTHY as could be! We were sure this was the end of our worries about having the FOUR children we desperately felt we deserved. BUT— God had other plans for us. The past three years have been incredibly painful while incredibly beautiful at the same time! God has shown us the way. This past year has been the most trying but my faith has grown by miles! Whether you are an exhausted mom or in this journey of waiting for your miracle —I see YOU. You need to know you are not alone in this pain!

I have been feeling God nudging at me to share my story with you all for a while now. I never was able to cast my fears aside. Most recently God has been speaking to me through the song The Father’s House by Cory Asbury. It always is able to calm my heart and comes on exactly when I need to hear it. The first part says

“Sometimes on this journey

I get lost in my mistakes

What looks to me like weakness

Is a canvas for Your strength

And my story isn’t over”

My story’s just begun”

Much love,

Camile

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