IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY

Guys—It is OKAY to not be okay all of the time.  It really stinks to feel so crappy, but so does feeling like it isn’t okay to feel all the emotions!  This week has been quite the week!  First, my dad had open-heart surgery, one super difficult doctor appointment, kindergarten struggles, house addition challenges, and the list could go on and on. So many more decisions to consider and no real answers at this point. The church really got me today! One of the opener songs called When the Fight Calls by Hillsong really got me. As soon as the music started, I instantly knew I would lose it. It isn’t a new song, but it has been a song that has continued to get me through many struggles throughout the years while attending LifeHouse. As I stood there with tears rolling down my face, I knew it was my sign to continue to trust God through this fight we are facing.  My biggest struggle lately is the bitterness towards the process and others. I keep fighting it even though some days it seems impossible. The message today continued to speak truth into my life. Pastor Matt talked about Joseph’s story and how he trusted that God was with him through his struggles.  This story of hope was something that God knew I needed to hear today. Clint and I have been praying for a sign to help make our decision easier and that hasn’t been the case. My biggest prayer is that God would allow us to be content with our girl or to be at peace with where we are at right now.  I truly believe that God puts desires on our hearts for a reason and I whole heartedly know that God is strengthening Clint and I through this journey. I want to continue to share his love and truth with you all. He has got us this far and he will continue to be with us through this FIGHT!

These lyrics from When the Fight Calls— are so moving!

I won’t let the storm weather my heart

Won’t let the darkness beat me down

Sing in the night my hope alive in You

I’ll walk through the fire and not be burned

Pray in the fight and watch it turn

Jesus tonight I give it all to You

Don’t let the storm of life weather your heart!

Much Love,

Camile

Fair

The Van Wert County Fair will always hold a special place in my heart. I can still remember seeing Clint for the very first time he was leaning up against the sheep barn in a cut off shirt and hat.  A mutual friend said hey this is my friend Clint, he is going to walk around with us and that was the real beginning of us!   You see this memory was two years before we actually started dating but I know God designed Clint just for me! Another important couple in our lives met at the fair also—My parents met over 43 years ago at the fair!  You see this event may seem so silly to most, but the fair holds such a special place in my heart for so many ways other than just having met Clint there! The fair was important to my grandfather, who passed his love for fair with my father, then passed it to me & my brother and now my Ellie girl (and nieces and nephews.) The fair is such a fun time to get to see people you don’t always get to see, but it also is a time to share your love for hard work through many ways, my favorite was through 4-H. I thank 4-H for helping shape my love for children that God created in me! 4-H takes such dedication and fair allows for this work to be shared with others! This week is our county fair and it only seemed fitting to write about it! This year is very weird, but it has already been a blessing in disguise because it has allowed our families to slow down and enjoy the real reason for the fair! You see—we normally are running around like crazy during the fair that we don’t always find time to enjoy the moment God gives us during these times!   I am so thankful that God allowed my family to enjoy the fair for so many years! I have met so many lifelong friends during those years!  I have always used fair as a timeline for my life—especially through this journey! I remember thinking years ago, next fair I will be pregnant, then the following year I thought the very same thing and here we are three years later still trying to trust God through it all!

God tells us in Matthew 5:16 to let our light shine through

our good works.

I pray that God continues to allow my family to shine their light this way and I am so thankful that God planned these fair memories to shape me into a hard-working person!  

In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven. Matthew 5:16

How are you sharing your light with others while supporting our youth in the community?

Friends in Low Places

Welcome back guys—sorry it has been a bit, but going back to work as been WILD!!! This time is such a hard time. I am so thankful for the friends who have made me feel like they truly care. A few weeks ago, I was having a rough day and my best friend reached out to me saying “How are you doing” I mean right in the mist of my mess God put me on her mind! I also have a friend who every time I have a procedure, she sends me simple message telling me she’s thinking about me and praying it goes well! She might not know that it means the world to us to know that someone is right there in this journey with us! During this time, it sometimes feels like Clint and I have forgot to be great friends because it can be so easy to get wrapped up in our pain. I don’t mind when someone asks me about how things are going because it truly means they care, but often I notice myself feeling like that is all I think about or share about. I know that sometimes those feelings are valid even when they aren’t as bad as they seem.  Another friend always reassures me, that when I am feeling like this journey is so unfair that it is okay to be sad. She knows how to make me feel that it is okay and that she understands my hurt. She pushes me to conquer my goals and I will always be thankful for her.  Recently a song that has been speaking to my heart has been—Haven’t Seen it Yet by Danny Gokey. This song is a reminder that God has the solution to of our problems and he has conquered them once before.

Have you been praying and you still have no answers?
Have you been pouring out your heart for so many years?
Have you been hoping that things would have changed by now?
Have you cried all the faith you have through so many tears?

Don’t forget the things that He has done before
And remember He can do it all once more

Don’t forget the things that He has done before
And remember He can do it all once more

It’s like the brightest sunrise
Waiting on the other side of the darkest night
Don’t ever lose hope, hold on and believe
Maybe you just haven’t seen it, just haven’t seen it yet
You’re closer than you think you are
Only moments from the break of dawn
All His promises are just up ahead
Maybe you just haven’t seen it, just haven’t seen it yet (oh)
Maybe you just haven’t seen it, just haven’t seen it yet (oh)
Maybe you just haven’t seen it

He had the solution before you had the problem
He sees the best in you when you feel at your worst
So in the questioning, don’t ever doubt His love for you
‘Cause it’s only in His love that you’ll find a breakthrough, oh

This song makes me realize that maybe I haven’t allowed God to solve my problem because I am trying to solve it on my own?

My devotionals this week are all about finding hope during the hard times. Even without this infertility in the mix of things, life right now really is hard! There are so many unknowns and I am such a planner. I was chatting with my para at work about how I always wished for God to give me my road map of my life! Don’t we all wish that was the case sometimes. I have always struggled with changes in plans and I never adapt every well with those changes!! I like things going EXACTLY the way that I WANT them to. I struggle letting God take control of my plans and dreams. Life isn’t always an easy thing no matter what season of life you are facing.  I truly believe that God has placed every single person in my life right when I needed them. They speak truth into my life daily and I am SOO SOOOOO thankful he has done that!

 Peter 5:10 says “But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.”

What friends has God placed in your life during your suffering to help strength and settle you?

Much Love,

Camile

Giving Up

Guys—right now don’t we all feel like giving up in some shape or form! I know I haven’t said much about this COVID stuff, but it has affected everyone in some way!  BACK to SCHOOL is so close for most of us and the stress levels are so high already! I pray that you find ways to let God’s Truth speak into all the extra stress that may be added to your normal stress!

With IVF giving up is always in the back of my mind but I hate to quit things. Our girl had her dance recital this past weekend and of course of all days I had to have my midcycle scan that same day!. I was so planned, I got everything packed the night before and even put it in my car so Clint couldn’t be blamed for forgetting something!  BUT—I was so rushed that day that part of her outfit got missed hanging up! Once we noticed a great friend (WHOM we are so thankful for in every way) rushed to our house to find it but it was too late!!!!!! I was so MAD! I felt like a failure because again trying to have another baby was taking precious moments from our girl! I was so worried that she would be upset but she wasn’t she instantly said “it is okay mommy, I wasn’t upset!” She got to dance and she didn’t have a care in the world that she was different! SUCH A HUGE LIFE LESSON—She teaches us so much! After being so upset–Clint really got me thinking—he said, “When do we know enough is enough.”  I was like WOW! I have been thinking about the next steps if IVF never works for us!  My doctor has mentioned a possible surrogate, but we aren’t totally ready to consider that just yet! Another option we could consider is adoption.  So many decisions and paths we could choose.  And Here We Go Again—- the enemy starts creeping in when it comes to decisions, instead of me trusting God to help us make that decision.  I am so thankful that God chose Clint for me and chose some really important friendships into our lives, they continue to speak wisdom into my thought process. I recently reached out to a distant family member who always was someone I looked up to as a child (I can still remember the details of the light blue dress I wore in her wedding.) She dealt with infertility and chose adoption, she said to me that they say IVF is physically and mentally exhausting while adoption is emotionally exhausting.  This meant to me that either way the exhaustion will hopefully be worth it one day!

In Jobs we can find hope in the path that God has chose for us—

But God understands the way to wisdom, he knows it location. For he looks to the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens” (Jobs 28:23-24)

You see we can stay stuck in the anger of it all or we can choose to trust that God is right here in the deep struggle with us!

As Always much much much love,

Camile

Fairness Vs. Purposeful

This past month was one of our hardest so far. We got one step farther in this journey but that quickly changed. I was able to hold onto God’s truth through it, but I kept getting caught into the, but this is NOT FAIR! Guys– the enemy kept making me believe that I was alone and that one else has to go through this, when I know this is very much a LIE!

My daily devotionals all kept leading me into the truth of the purpose in this struggle. Most days I still kept feeling the lack of fairness during it all. I kept looking back at the things I couldn’t control and the things I felt I have missed out on. You see, I kept getting stuck on the things I’ve missed now for two summers with Ellie, Clint, family and friends.  I hate that I am wasting all this time and this summer feels like it has flown by. Perhaps I feel this way because of the extra time I did get with her during the crazy time, but it seems much more real because she is going to KINDERGARTEN this year!  Some truths that I have to hold onto are that I got extra slow mornings with my girl cuddling on the couch and due to COVID we had to take a few months off of doctor stuff to spend more time as a family.

Clint has really helped speak truth to me as well, he keeps telling me “You can’t look at it like that.” Clint has been my rock through all stages of our twelve years together, but this past last year he has been so supportive and my strength when sometimes I didn’t even know I need it!

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

Above in James 1:12 it speaks truth about the purpose of trial, and this is so relevant right now. We still have embryos to transfer, but we still know that my uterus may NEVER be able to carry another baby. That truth and uncertainty breaks my heart, but I know that the struggle will be worth it even if another baby is not in our story.  This journey so far has taught us so much already and I know God’s not done using us yet.

Much Love,

Camile

The Trap

Guys —this topic is a hard one for me! I have struggled with comparison and jealousy for as long as I can remember! One of the earliest memories I have with this is from first grade. I had an awesome friend who had this amazing pencil box that I wanted! Did I have a perfectly good pencil box—YES, but I wanted something someone else had. This is human nature in all parts of life, but during infertility, it makes this a million times harder.  I struggle with this every SINGLE day! It is so hard, but God has been showing me ways to deal with this! My church has been doing daily live devotionals and last week spoke to me. It was from 1 Samuel 18:7-9.

7 The women sang as they played, and said, “Saul has killed his thousands, and David his ten thousand.” Then Saul became very angry. This saying did not please him. He said, “They have given David honor for ten thousands, but for me only thousands. Now, what more can he have but to be king?” And Saul was jealous and did not trust David from that day on.

I want to be like David, but the enemy creeps in and makes me like Saul. Saul was jealous of David, even though Saul had so MUCH!  We all get caught in that trap, don’t we? We compare ourselves to others on a daily basis. It is so hard to not get caught up in what we can’t do, can’t have, or the things we want to have. My biggest struggle right now is the comparison to the families with multiple kids. I want to give Ellie a sibling so badly and I can get so stuck in that.  I know I shouldn’t feel jealous and compare but I do! Again, the enemy creeps into this and fuels that fire! I have to be careful of this because if I don’t pay close attention to this it will run my life! I feel trapped in that and I have to keep digging into God’s word to find ways to escape the trap of comparison and jealousy. One simple thing I do to help me is to think or list the positives of the things I DO HAVE!  I have all the things I really need, God’s love, a safe home, amazingly loving husband, my amazing little girl, supportive family, and friends.

How are you struggling with this today?

Much Love Today,

Camile

1 in 20,000

My entire life I felt had personal obstacles in my way, but haven’t we all felt that way? At the beginning of our journey we had one failed IUI and my doctor decided that with all of my issues that IVF would be the safest choice for me and my future baby. I was so scared to begin the process. I even felt anger that I God chose this path for me. But, because God has blessed me with not only one uterus and cervix but TWO OF EACH, IVF was the only way to keep me from having multiples. I know what you’re thinking it is crazy and so cool! I’m like 1 in 20,000!! So Clint and I were so scared that IVF would be too expensive and emotionally draining. We decided to trust God and take the door he had opened for us. My insurance amazingly covered IVF and we couldn’t believe it, it felt like another door had opened! We were able to do our first Egg Retrieval in June 2019 resulting in 9 eggs which became THREE healthy embryos! We felt so blessed that we had more than one try! We had one failed transfer so my doctor really wanted to do further testing to rule out any more issues! That test came back ineffective so we tried some other routes to make my transfers smoother and less painful for me! The first transfer took over an HOUR and most transfers only take TEN minutes! The second transfer I had anesthesia to help with comfort! But unfortunately God was strengthening me through yet another failure and struggle! Again it felt like we were back at square one! My doctor decided we should move forward with a second retrieval, before doing surgery later in the year. This retrieval resulted in 33 eggs and SEVEN healthy embryos! We were so fortunate to get to this point yet again! So on Valentine’s Day (of all daysJ) I had a three hour surgery and another test to check out some scar tissue from my C-section from Ellie. I had so much fear prior to the procedure, but God kept pushing me through and I so glad we did it because it made my procedures smoother and more comfortable. As the year continues to unfold I am challenged to you listen to God’s Word. Just like in 1 Samuel 17:40 God made sure David had exactly what he needed for the battle he would face. The story of David keeps popping up everywhere in my life in songs, my devotionals, podcast, online posts, and even Ellie’s bible stories. This for me means to continue to have strength while TRUSTING in HIS timing and HIS plan!

  Then he took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd’s bag and, with his sling in his hand, approached the Philistine (1 Samuel 17:40)

Much Love,

Camile

1,073 days

It’s been exactly 1,073 days of planning our second miracle.  I never would have imagined this would be part of our journey for our family. Back in 2012, exactly one month before our wedding I heard those devastating words of “You may never be able to carry a child” I had thought broke my dreams of ever being a mother. Fast forward to May 18, 2014 I had two unexpected pink lines staring at me! I couldn’t believe it! Thank goodness for my sister-in-law who reassured me everything would be okay until my first appointment.  The first blessing happened and I was in fact PREGNANT! I was considered high risk and had over SIX ultrasounds throughout my pregnancy. I had major anxiety I would do something wrong and cause more issues with my pregnancy. Through many scares and prayers my little miracle Ellie Marie was born at 38 weeks HEALTHY as could be! We were sure this was the end of our worries about having the FOUR children we desperately felt we deserved. BUT— God had other plans for us. The past three years have been incredibly painful while incredibly beautiful at the same time! God has shown us the way. This past year has been the most trying but my faith has grown by miles! Whether you are an exhausted mom or in this journey of waiting for your miracle —I see YOU. You need to know you are not alone in this pain!

I have been feeling God nudging at me to share my story with you all for a while now. I never was able to cast my fears aside. Most recently God has been speaking to me through the song The Father’s House by Cory Asbury. It always is able to calm my heart and comes on exactly when I need to hear it. The first part says

“Sometimes on this journey

I get lost in my mistakes

What looks to me like weakness

Is a canvas for Your strength

And my story isn’t over”

My story’s just begun”

Much love,

Camile

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