Buckets of Water…

I have some news! Even though it may not be the news we want to share but it is GOOD news!  We are cleared to start another Frozen Embryo Transfer this year! I had another robotic surgery back in December, almost exactly like I did last Valentine’s Day.  The last failed transfer cycle they discovered that I had more fluid in my right uterus that was going back and forth to my left uterus, which in my case they believed may have had to do with my failed cycle. They explained it to me that if that fluid is there it causes the embryo to not have anywhere to “stick”. We started to do another mock cycle back in August and that fluid was there again! The weird thing is that some cycles there is only fluid in the beginning, sometimes the middle, and other cycles it isn’t there at all. It felt like another hurdle to conquer.  My doctor was worried to try another transfer and that the fluid may reappear, so they suggested yet another surgery to try to fix the issue. I was so upset that I had to have another surgery. The last surgery recovery was so painful, and I wasn’t interested in doing that again. Again, I had to have faith that God would get me through it just like he kept doing over and over during this season.

This past 3 and ½ hour surgery was successful, they were able to repair more scar tissue from my C-Section, that they didn’t get from my last surgery. They also cut out a another scar at the bottom of my right side and restitched it so that the fluid couldn’t keep going back and forth. After my post-op appointment and ultrasound, it showed that I am back to my pre-pregnancy anatomy, SO I WAS CLEARED to be able to try again! I was so relieved that surgery worked, but right away I let doubt get in the way again! The weeks of waiting and waiting really get to me sometimes. Somedays it doesn’t seem to bother me and other days I feel like a grieving person. I really struggle those days that I see announcements or close friends share their news of joy. I felt like I handed “My Plans” over to God, but I still keep finding myself with them at my fingertips, not wanting to give up total control.

A few weeks ago, another close friend struggling with infertility shared her news, but this news just isn’t any regular infertility success story this is an AMAZING story of God’s work! Weirdly enough I just had gave her all of my left over retrieval meds because she was starting IVF and wouldn’t you know what happened! God blessed her by allowing her to conceive naturally. I wanted so badly to not be envious, but again I let the enemy in.  After talking to her and another good friend, I allowed their words to speak God’s love and promises into my heart!  I even remember telling Clint that it wasn’t fair and why isn’t God giving us our miracle story like that! And you know how he responded, he said we don’t know that Ellie wasn’t our miracle or that our miracle isn’t still coming. AND MAN that hit me! I pleaded with God to give me the strength and guidance, and since that day, he keeps reminding me it is okay to feel down so he can lift me up!

One of the most rewarding things is having close friends to lean on and speak God’s promises into my forest fire. (or so it feels like somedays)

They are “buckets of water to my forest fire.”

James 4:7-10 –below stuck out to me this week to bring it ALL my FIRE to God.

7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

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