Wow! Time has flown by for sure! How is it December already! I am praying that you all feel loved during the upcoming holidays. We are busy making plans for our next step through this journey. We are so thankful for a family friend who offered to be our surrogate just because she felt led to do so. Gosh, what a blessing that I didn’t see coming at all! We had started our foster to adopt training a few weeks prior to finding out that a surrogate could be happening. Clint and I decided that maybe just because that door opened for us to try to have our own child again, that just maybe it meant for us to not close the door to adoption. God has our plans laid out for us, but I kept trying to hold on loosely to the reins, so perhaps I could guide him a bit. We all know that isn’t the case and I truly believe that is why I haven’t written in a while. Honestly, I felt bitter that it’s again months away from making our last decision, and the outcome isn’t how I saw it going. I was angry, not at God, because I knew he always comes through for us. I was angry because I wanted my outcome now, quite honestly was sick of being patient. I knew my faith was just… meaning just there, I didn’t feel that fire in my soul like I had months before. I felt stuck between knowing God’s got us in his hands, but again being angry that it wasn’t “good” enough. Again, crept in jealously. I tried fighting it, but one of my closest friends pushed me to be better and let go. Gosh, was that hard hearing from someone who means so much to me, tell me I am not being the positive person I was meant to be. This conversation helped pull me back to what God is telling me and guiding me to do. You see a year ago, I am not sure I could even be writing about the next topic. I started counseling last spring to do some “talk therapy” because medications weren’t something we wanted to add to my IVF meds, so I started with that. My therapist carries faith into my sessions and that truly helps me as well. You see talking always has helped me and it has always been something I have been hard on myself about (thanks to my three older brothers that had that annoying little sister following their every move.) I always felt that my talks with my therapist helped but still felt stuck. I didn’t want to have a therapist, let alone have to take medicine. All I kept thinking is that someone will make fun of me for it. (OKAY—Camile does that change who God made you to be? —NO.) Clint was the one who really pushed me finally ask for help. He knew I didn’t want to have anything “extra”, but he kept telling me what if it helps you. So, once I knew I needed more my therapist suggested I just try it, what will it hurt. If it doesn’t work, then you stop taking it. And guess what, within just two weeks of starting a low dose. I started doing things again that quite honestly, I didn’t realize I was missing. I started really hearing our girl more and was listening rather than just being there. I felt less stuck in my anxiety and emotions. I started to hear God in another way after this.
I tell you this because I know that being on medication has that reputation that you are “different” than others around you. You know what, I thought the same thing until it was me and I felt like I could process my anxiety and emotions like a “normal” person. Being on my meds for one year I see God’s goodness through that too. I don’t think I would have been able to keep trying more transfers after failures. You see—I am thankful that I took that leap of faith to at least try. Yes, that isn’t ways the answer for all, but it was for me during this season of my journey. I continue to pray for those who may feel unheard or unseen. You are so loved!
Here’s a little scripture to give you some strength for whatever you need today.
“Don’t fear, because I am with you; don’t be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will surely help you; I will hold you with my righteous strong hand.” ISAIAH 41:10