Just

Wow! Time has flown by for sure! How is it December already!  I am praying that you all feel loved during the upcoming holidays.  We are busy making plans for our next step through this journey. We are so thankful for a family friend who offered to be our surrogate just because she felt led to do so.  Gosh, what a blessing that I didn’t see coming at all!  We had started our foster to adopt training a few weeks prior to finding out that a surrogate could be happening. Clint and I decided that maybe just because that door opened for us to try to have our own child again, that just maybe it meant for us to not close the door to adoption.  God has our plans laid out for us, but I kept trying to hold on loosely to the reins, so perhaps I could guide him a bit. We all know that isn’t the case and I truly believe that is why I haven’t written in a while. Honestly, I felt bitter that it’s again months away from making our last decision, and the outcome isn’t how I saw it going.  I was angry, not at God, because I knew he always comes through for us. I was angry because I wanted my outcome now, quite honestly was sick of being patient.  I knew my faith was just… meaning just there, I didn’t feel that fire in my soul like I had months before.  I felt stuck between knowing God’s got us in his hands, but again being angry that it wasn’t “good” enough. Again, crept in jealously.  I tried fighting it, but one of my closest friends pushed me to be better and let go.  Gosh, was that hard hearing from someone who means so much to me, tell me I am not being the positive person I was meant to be.   This conversation helped pull me back to what God is telling me and guiding me to do.  You see a year ago, I am not sure I could even be writing about the next topic.  I started counseling last spring to do some “talk therapy” because medications weren’t something we wanted to add to my IVF meds, so I started with that. My therapist carries faith into my sessions and that truly helps me as well. You see talking always has helped me and it has always been something I have been hard on myself about (thanks to my three older brothers that had that annoying little sister following their every move.) I always felt that my talks with my therapist helped but still felt stuck. I didn’t want to have a therapist, let alone have to take medicine. All I kept thinking is that someone will make fun of me for it. (OKAY—Camile does that change who God made you to be? —NO.) Clint was the one who really pushed me finally ask for help. He knew I didn’t want to have anything “extra”, but he kept telling me what if it helps you. So, once I knew I needed more my therapist suggested I just try it, what will it hurt. If it doesn’t work, then you stop taking it.  And guess what, within just two weeks of starting a low dose. I started doing things again that quite honestly, I didn’t realize I was missing. I started really hearing our girl more and was listening rather than just being there.  I felt less stuck in my anxiety and emotions. I started to hear God in another way after this.

I tell you this because I know that being on medication has that reputation that you are “different” than others around you. You know what, I thought the same thing until it was me and I felt like I could process my anxiety and emotions like a “normal” person. Being on my meds for one year I see God’s goodness through that too. I don’t think I would have been able to keep trying more transfers after failures. You see—I am thankful that I took that leap of faith to at least try. Yes, that isn’t ways the answer for all, but it was for me during this season of my journey.  I continue to pray for those who may feel unheard or unseen. You are so loved!

Here’s a little scripture to give you some strength for whatever you need today.

“Don’t fear, because I am with you; don’t be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will surely help you; I will hold you with my righteous strong hand.” ISAIAH 41:10

Much Love,

Camile

Community Is Like Family

Oh my goodness! My summer has flown by but I can’t explain how excited I am to share this story with you!  FORTY days ago our world was rocked upside down. One of our closest friends (and best newest employee) was involved in a terrible accident. That day was an absolute nightmare and such a blur. We were fortunate to be with his wife and other close friends that day. This story isn’t to share his story (that’s coming soon in another way) it is to share with all of you how God was there through it all and how I saw his work through his miracle.  One answered prayer from that day was that God could give me strength to be strong for his wife, and he did! One of my very best friends just looked at me like she was saying I know, but instantly I felt peace and was able to be strong when I thought I was weak! 

Community is like no other around our small town and I have been so blessed to get to see it through two good friends’ struggles.  Our other good friend’s son is going through chemo treatments and we have been also fortunate to walk through their struggles with them too. Honestly, their family has been so strong and it has been an honor to see them come out of the struggles with hope.  I have ZERO doubt that God’s hand has been in it all. I would be lying if I hadn’t had doubts over these past few months, but I am so thankful now that our journey has been put on pause to let God use us to pour into these families. I honestly felt that was the first sign that is why we needed a break after this all started. I truly believe that God knew I couldn’t handle that too on top of this! I would be lying if I didn’t feel overwhelmed, but man our Community has blown it out of the water! The support that both of these families have received is amazing! I can’t thank every single person who helped in some form! I know God is using these people to make his work known.  The past months I have literally sat crying looking back at God’s goodness in just a few days of struggles. God’s Hand has been at the front line in both of our friends’ stories and I felt every single blessing.  Honestly, there were many many long nights and some without our necessities, but God taught me that none of that matters without friends and family. Man am I glad I have these friends who are like family!  You see growing up I never had a sister and that was always my wish, but now I know God gave me sisters in many other forms and I AM SO GLAD he did!  Another win is that God showed us how to appreciate the ones that are there through it all and boy did he!  If you know me I am not much of a hugger and boy do I love hugs now! I waited all week for one of the best hugs ever! AND…another non-hugger Clint allowed people to hug him!   Man…a tragic event like these brought many of us friends and family closer and I am so thankful that I have them as members of our community!  God has allowed me to let my guard down and show others my feelings and my heart in more ways than one. 

I pray that he shows you his Goodness in your life!

Proverbs 17:17

A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.

Who is your friend that was there to help you through your time of need.

P.S. Don’t forget to tell them how much you love them and truly do it! AND..If you don’t have someone like this RUN and find a friend who drops everything to just come spend time with you to make sure your okay during the hard days!

Much Much Love,

Camile

Light in the Darkness

If you know me at all you know me as a planner of all things. I have learned to be more flexible, but ultimately I don’t like when things don’t go the way I expect them to go.  Life hasn’t gone as we planned at all, but I am able to see God’s promise through it all. Honestly the last few moments have not been what I expected at all! STRESS is always high at the end of the school year due, but this year has been such a whirlwind. 

Our fertility journey is being put on hold this summer after another failure.I really struggled the last two summers giving up so much time with our girl so we decided since we are at a cross road of choices it would be best for our family at this time to take a few months off! This really is a hard decision because we now are at four years of waiting to grow our family! BUT I know GOD IS WORKING!!

I am currently seeing it everyday during a hard time with our close friends. GOD SURE is FAITHFUL and I am honored to be walking aside them during this unexpected time.  I am so thankful now that we aren’t busy with our own lives that we can pour our love and energy into their story! This past week has been such a blur….everyday something else amazes us how GOD is HERE and working! I plan to share more on this amazing story but for now that’s it! SORRY for the lonnnnnnggggg wait on my end!

I am closing with this song! WAYMAKER! This is the song that has got me where I am today in my faith journey, but also it is the HEART of our friend’s story! He is working and is our light  in the darkness. 

You are here

Moving in our midst

I worship You

I worship You

You are here

Working in this place

I worship You

I worship You

And You are

Way maker, miracle worker

Promise keeper, light in the darkness

My God, that is who You are

And You are

Way maker, miracle worker

Promise keeper, light in the darkness

My God, that is who You are

You are here

Turning lives around

I worship You

I worship You

You are here

And You’re healing every heart

I worship You

I worship You

And You are

Way maker, miracle worker

Promise keeper, light in the darkness

My God, that is who You are

And You are

Way maker, miracle worker

Promise keeper, light in the darkness

My God, that is who You are

And that is who You are

(That is who You are), yeah

That is who You are

(That is who You are), yeah-eh-ay

Even when I don’t see it, You’re workin’

Even when I don’t feel it, You’re workin’

You never stop, You never stop workin’

You never stop, Jesus You are

Way maker, miracle worker

Promise keeper, light in the darkness

My God, that is who You are

(I know, I know You are)

Way maker, miracle worker

Promise keeper, light in the darkness

My God, that is who You are

Yeah, that is who You are

(That is who You are)

That is who You are

(That is who You are)

Jesus, that is who You are

Rejection……..

This post is for YOU—-no matter if you are feeling that you aren’t good enough for your boss at work, feeling like the best parent in the world, feeling like a terrible friend, or even just letting the guilt of the world get the best of you!

Rejection is something that each one of us has felt one time or another. Honestly it’s a hard thing to grasp at times. Failure isn’t something we like to admit or let alone talk about.  Unfortunately rejection isn’t something anyone can avoid.  

A little over one year ago today I had one of the biggest rejections I have ever experienced. I was so confident I was getting a job that I thought for sure it was God’s Plan and timing, but plot twist, boy was I wrong. That time was such a difficult time. Quartinine just began and our fertility journey was put on hold. This rejection felt like a pot of boiling water that was right on the verge of boiling right over the top. I felt so defeated but I knew that God was keeping right where he needed me. Over the past year I have grown in my faith and looking back I am amazed how hard that time was, but yet God wasn’t done showing me the way (and maybe he never will be done showing me.) 

John 15:18

If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first 

This weekend was such an amazing reminder of this. Jesus saved us from all of our rejection by dying on the CROSS. This keeps me going year after year. If God sacrificed his son for us then we owe him everything! So sharing my story is one little thing that I can do to show others how important they to our HEAVENLY FATHER.

And…..

NOW—-another bump in our journey (lately it feels like a mountain) we were able to go through another transfer over the past few months and it wasn’t successful like we desperately believed it would be. Our doctor was so defeated, she was so sure this time was it and the entire cycle was perfect. Not one ounce of fluid this time, not one complication and this has never  EVER happened in the past two years. It felt like the last surgery was a success until that little embryo didn’t stick.  We felt so angry and so defeated at this point, but there was one more suggestion to try, another mock cycle to test my tissue for other issues while on the meds. If this testing cycle doesn’t show us much we have to weigh out our other options (and maybe find another surrogate.)  Just when we thought we were in the final stretch God said NOT YET and well honestly it was so infuriating! So here I sit typing out  our latest  hurdles when I was so sure it would be an announcement post.  I continue to share my story for the one who feels like no one else understands their battle BUT GIRL I totally get your pain!  I promise to be a listening ear and speak life into your struggle the best I know possible! I promise to be a friend that will surprise you with wine and chocolate while you process your sadness.  Don’t Give Up–GOD has got YOU!

Psalm 34:17-20

When his people pray for help, he listens and rescues them from their troubles. The Lord is there to rescue all who are discouraged and have given up hope. The Lord’s people may suffer a lot, but he will always bring them safely through. Not one of their bones will ever be broken. (CEV)

Buckets of Water…

I have some news! Even though it may not be the news we want to share but it is GOOD news!  We are cleared to start another Frozen Embryo Transfer this year! I had another robotic surgery back in December, almost exactly like I did last Valentine’s Day.  The last failed transfer cycle they discovered that I had more fluid in my right uterus that was going back and forth to my left uterus, which in my case they believed may have had to do with my failed cycle. They explained it to me that if that fluid is there it causes the embryo to not have anywhere to “stick”. We started to do another mock cycle back in August and that fluid was there again! The weird thing is that some cycles there is only fluid in the beginning, sometimes the middle, and other cycles it isn’t there at all. It felt like another hurdle to conquer.  My doctor was worried to try another transfer and that the fluid may reappear, so they suggested yet another surgery to try to fix the issue. I was so upset that I had to have another surgery. The last surgery recovery was so painful, and I wasn’t interested in doing that again. Again, I had to have faith that God would get me through it just like he kept doing over and over during this season.

This past 3 and ½ hour surgery was successful, they were able to repair more scar tissue from my C-Section, that they didn’t get from my last surgery. They also cut out a another scar at the bottom of my right side and restitched it so that the fluid couldn’t keep going back and forth. After my post-op appointment and ultrasound, it showed that I am back to my pre-pregnancy anatomy, SO I WAS CLEARED to be able to try again! I was so relieved that surgery worked, but right away I let doubt get in the way again! The weeks of waiting and waiting really get to me sometimes. Somedays it doesn’t seem to bother me and other days I feel like a grieving person. I really struggle those days that I see announcements or close friends share their news of joy. I felt like I handed “My Plans” over to God, but I still keep finding myself with them at my fingertips, not wanting to give up total control.

A few weeks ago, another close friend struggling with infertility shared her news, but this news just isn’t any regular infertility success story this is an AMAZING story of God’s work! Weirdly enough I just had gave her all of my left over retrieval meds because she was starting IVF and wouldn’t you know what happened! God blessed her by allowing her to conceive naturally. I wanted so badly to not be envious, but again I let the enemy in.  After talking to her and another good friend, I allowed their words to speak God’s love and promises into my heart!  I even remember telling Clint that it wasn’t fair and why isn’t God giving us our miracle story like that! And you know how he responded, he said we don’t know that Ellie wasn’t our miracle or that our miracle isn’t still coming. AND MAN that hit me! I pleaded with God to give me the strength and guidance, and since that day, he keeps reminding me it is okay to feel down so he can lift me up!

One of the most rewarding things is having close friends to lean on and speak God’s promises into my forest fire. (or so it feels like somedays)

They are “buckets of water to my forest fire.”

James 4:7-10 –below stuck out to me this week to bring it ALL my FIRE to God.

7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

S I X

P.S. this is a long one!

Our girl is     S I X      years old today! How is that even possible? It wasn’t much before that, when I got the news that I may never be a mother and thank goodness God had other plans for our lives. She is our whole world in which we never knew we really needed!

Six years ago we were just introducing her to our family! Little did some of you know she was Baby Girl Myers for the first twenty or so hours of her life. Clint and I couldn’t decide so we had our closest family and friends decide when they came to meet her! It was such a fun experience!  This morning I told Ellie her birth story for the first time! She is so amused by how babies get in your belly! We have always taught her that God puts the babies in there and she just went along with it!   If you have been following my previous posts, you know that Ellie was a miracle to begin with but her birth was a similar situation!  You see she came quickly—very quickly two weeks early. Everything happened so fast I can’t remember a lot of it! I had terrible bowel cramps all day—so I thought!  We went to dinner with dear friends of ours at her now FAVORITE YELLOW Mexican Place the night she was born. I went to bed and as soon as I laid down I heard a gush of water and thought what was that???  Clint’s comment was you just peed… I stood up and more gushed out and he said “that ain’t pee” or something like that!  From that moment of time (9:30 PM) went so slow but fast in the same sense. I was freaking out so I called my sister -in- law (thanks for always answering my medial questions) she calmed my fears. Then the doctor they told me to shower take my time don’t rush since I wasn’t feeling any contractions, well so much as I knew! We left our house around 10 and as soon we got a few miles down the road I felt a pinch in my back and thought that was weird not having a clue what contractions felt like—Mind you I didn’t take any classes because I thought I was going in the next week, ONE week early for my SCHEDULED C-Section, but Ellie girl had other plans for us!   We got to Lima and they were much stronger. We got across town to the hospital and I was having painful ones closer together then. Once we got to the room they started to grow stronger to the point I wasn’t able to talk—THANKS to back labor! Ellie was breech  so that wasn’t helping matters! We got prepared which felt like forever, the nurses were so grumpy so I thought but they were freaking out because I was ready to push but obviously couldn’t! The doctor on call was in another emergency C-Section so things were a bit hectic around there!  I finally got my epidural/spinal whatever happened (that part was a total blur) and then went into the operating room! The medicine gave me the worst headache all I can remember was Clint rubbing my head and a lot of pulling on my stomach. At 1:50 am our beautiful  6 lb. 13 oz. girl with a full head of hair was born! I remember touching her hair and then they knocked me out because I felt funny!

Looking back at the last couple of weeks as another birthday approached, I kept remembering how I felt and how upset I was every year that again celebrating her birthday didn’t include siblings but honestly this year is the first year that I am not sad and am not planning it on my own timeline—on GOD’s instead. I am not telling myself on this # of birthday she will finally be a BIG SISTER. Yes, it stills hurts and I want to grant that wish for her but now I have hope that whether a little sister or brother is ever in our cards we will be okay—I MEAN we have made it through one heck of a year(s). The struggle with secondary infertility has taught us more than one time that having ONE child is the best gift one can receive! Our girl has been the best blessing we could have ever imagined!  We thank God every day we get to be her parents!

Not much other news for now, but I will be sharing an update soon!

Much Love,

Camile

Foundations

In Luke 6:47-49 

Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like: he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built. But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great.”

What foundation are you currently standing on?

 I know that during this time of waiting I need a stronger foundation that I was standing on when it all started! God is always showing me his love through the little things. When we started the new foundation for our house addition my first thought was, I need to have a strong foundation in faith to get through this current season of life. I want to be strong but sometimes I allow the enemy to work his way into my thoughts and mind. Worship music is one of the simplest ways for me to feel connected to God’s Word. The days that I am lacking trust in God’s Word I can listen to a song and just feel him speaking into me.  People who really know me know that I struggle with the quiet and stillness of the world.  I struggle just sitting and listening to what God is speaking to me without any other noise.  One truth I can keep believing is that God doesn’t care if you’re in the deepest valley or the highest mountain during your current season of life, he only cares that you start right where you are!

When we started our infertility journey, I never would have imagined that we would feel so “stuck” years later. COVID threw another wrench into “Our Plans” during this season.  God still is showing me during this season that he is GOOD and that he already knows that is next. I still struggle daily with letting the enemy try to steal my joy of Ellie and what amazing light she is to our life! I’m so angry that I can’t give her a sibling that she desperately wishes for. Sometimes I allow that to anger dictate my day.

Our infertility journey feels at a standstill as we go into the holiday season I pray that anyone going through a hard journey feels God’s love and promises. I pray that you can use a foundation on his love to get you through it all.

One of the Good Ones

Sorry—it’s been a hot minute since I shared an update.  Sadly, there really isn’t any new news to share with our journey. 

The past few months have been crazy over here! We started our house addition, started Kindergarten, started school during this pandemic continued, scheduled another surgery, and started our possible genetic carrier journey.  Oh man is that a hefty price tag) Do you see a pattern here? We have started many things and again the enemy is allowing my fear to get the best of me. You see– I feel like every time we start something it seems to be more of a challenge than I ever could anticipate. Clint on the other hand is much more enthusiastic and can be hopeful in the challenges! He always has a dream and makes it happen. He doesn’t let the obstacles define him. I can remember early on in our dating relationship he dreamed of having a trucking company. I honestly didn’t want this-My family had a successful trucking business and I didn’t want the competition—but he didn’t see it that way, he saw it as a way to grow personally.  I didn’t think it could be worth it and here we are with hired drivers.  Clint had this dream to renovate an old house because he could get it so cheap! (if you know Clint, he is the king of CHEAP) Our house was a foreclosure —oh but what a tough journey that was!  Clint was doing electrical on the morning of our wedding!! Yikes!  He worked so hard during that time going to school at night and working 40+ hours a week!

Once again, he got me through the challenges of that project and here we are again adding on to repeat that mess!   Around last year he really wanted to focus on excavating and again I let fear and doubt that we could ever make it work full time!  He wanted to carry on his Dad’s passion he saw growing up as a child. Now, as I sit here I can’t but help but think of how hard he works to make us better!  His dreams always find purpose and I am so so thankful for that! His excavating dream has allowed more family time and flexibly!  It’s even allowed Ellie and I to get to “play in the excavator” at times!

Clint and I started dating in 2008. We have amazing parents who taught us to be better people and we never can truly repay that to them!   One thing that I truly never understood when we were only 16 years old (we are only 3 days apart) was that Clint was only allowed to see me three days a week! I mean how fair was that!?  I had to chase the enemy away when I could do the fair vs unfair. He even spoke truth to my mind way back then! I believe that God helped shape us during that time to be apart so we could be better together!

I can remember praying at a younger age that my future boyfriend/husband would wait till marriage.  And God truly showed up there—one of the first times hanging out Clint said well I AIN’T doing that till I get married. My heart almost exploded right then and there! That was so unheard of you see I only had ONE very close friend who shared that wish with me. That was so hard but another lesson where God saw us through another struggle.  

Clinton Dean—You are truly one of the GOOD ONES!

We love you so much more!

Thank you for being a role model for Ellie’s expectations of a good man!

IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY

Guys—It is OKAY to not be okay all of the time.  It really stinks to feel so crappy, but so does feeling like it isn’t okay to feel all the emotions!  This week has been quite the week!  First, my dad had open-heart surgery, one super difficult doctor appointment, kindergarten struggles, house addition challenges, and the list could go on and on. So many more decisions to consider and no real answers at this point. The church really got me today! One of the opener songs called When the Fight Calls by Hillsong really got me. As soon as the music started, I instantly knew I would lose it. It isn’t a new song, but it has been a song that has continued to get me through many struggles throughout the years while attending LifeHouse. As I stood there with tears rolling down my face, I knew it was my sign to continue to trust God through this fight we are facing.  My biggest struggle lately is the bitterness towards the process and others. I keep fighting it even though some days it seems impossible. The message today continued to speak truth into my life. Pastor Matt talked about Joseph’s story and how he trusted that God was with him through his struggles.  This story of hope was something that God knew I needed to hear today. Clint and I have been praying for a sign to help make our decision easier and that hasn’t been the case. My biggest prayer is that God would allow us to be content with our girl or to be at peace with where we are at right now.  I truly believe that God puts desires on our hearts for a reason and I whole heartedly know that God is strengthening Clint and I through this journey. I want to continue to share his love and truth with you all. He has got us this far and he will continue to be with us through this FIGHT!

These lyrics from When the Fight Calls— are so moving!

I won’t let the storm weather my heart

Won’t let the darkness beat me down

Sing in the night my hope alive in You

I’ll walk through the fire and not be burned

Pray in the fight and watch it turn

Jesus tonight I give it all to You

Don’t let the storm of life weather your heart!

Much Love,

Camile

Fair

The Van Wert County Fair will always hold a special place in my heart. I can still remember seeing Clint for the very first time he was leaning up against the sheep barn in a cut off shirt and hat.  A mutual friend said hey this is my friend Clint, he is going to walk around with us and that was the real beginning of us!   You see this memory was two years before we actually started dating but I know God designed Clint just for me! Another important couple in our lives met at the fair also—My parents met over 43 years ago at the fair!  You see this event may seem so silly to most, but the fair holds such a special place in my heart for so many ways other than just having met Clint there! The fair was important to my grandfather, who passed his love for fair with my father, then passed it to me & my brother and now my Ellie girl (and nieces and nephews.) The fair is such a fun time to get to see people you don’t always get to see, but it also is a time to share your love for hard work through many ways, my favorite was through 4-H. I thank 4-H for helping shape my love for children that God created in me! 4-H takes such dedication and fair allows for this work to be shared with others! This week is our county fair and it only seemed fitting to write about it! This year is very weird, but it has already been a blessing in disguise because it has allowed our families to slow down and enjoy the real reason for the fair! You see—we normally are running around like crazy during the fair that we don’t always find time to enjoy the moment God gives us during these times!   I am so thankful that God allowed my family to enjoy the fair for so many years! I have met so many lifelong friends during those years!  I have always used fair as a timeline for my life—especially through this journey! I remember thinking years ago, next fair I will be pregnant, then the following year I thought the very same thing and here we are three years later still trying to trust God through it all!

God tells us in Matthew 5:16 to let our light shine through

our good works.

I pray that God continues to allow my family to shine their light this way and I am so thankful that God planned these fair memories to shape me into a hard-working person!  

In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven. Matthew 5:16

How are you sharing your light with others while supporting our youth in the community?

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